Second, let me say that I used to be a big John Mayer fan, in high school and freshman year of college. I had seen him in concert more times than I’d seen Hanson, which for me is a big deal. I don’t really like his music much anymore, though I certainly respect his guitar playing skills, and his song writing isn’t terrible.

I came across this article on longform.org, which everyone should check out when they’re bored at work.

Hi John,

I just have a couple of things to say to you about your interview. You have a minute? Could you put down that joint and just skim this real quick?

Let me start out by making a suggestion. You might consider carrying around a dictionary, thesaurus or both when you talk to the press. Saying that you’ve “never been callous” when it comes to girls, that you’ve “never been sinister” or “a bad boy,” gets totally negated when you admit that you “may have taken someone through the wringer psychologically.” Great, you didn’t physically beat up a chick. Let’s give you a medal! Everyone, especially Tucker Max, knows that emotionally manipulating women is impossible, because we’re all completely secure with ourselves and don’t need the approval of the opposite sex. Yup. Dude, when you fuck with someone’s head, you’re fucking with the most important part.

You’re no longer motivated by money, girls or fame, but now by the chance to prove people wrong? I’d say your priorities as a musician were probably misaligned from the beginning. I mean, at least you’re being honest, and I’m sure the majority of straight guys wanting to become famous musicians wish for this, too. But couldn’t you have mentioned how you wanted to express yourself or that music spoke to you or something? Also, why do you need to prove them wrong? You want people to listen to “War of My Life” and think you’re actually “a pretty solid guy.” I think before you date someone else, especially someone like Jennifer Aniston, you should probably work on your own self esteem before you inflict your devastatingly high maintenance personality on them.

If your real voice says, “Wouldn’t it be cool if you could download food?”, it makes me wonder if you really wrote all those songs. I’m sorry, but I’m thinking about how people accuse Shakespeare of not writing all of his own work. I can’t imagine what would come out of your mouth over dinner, or what was left out of this interview because it was deemed too stupid or nonsensical to print.

“I have unbelievable orgasms alone.” You’re asexual! Now I get it!

“Rather than meet somebody new, I would rather go home and replay the amazing experiences I’ve already had.” Translation: I don’t want to talk, I just want to fuck. And I don’t want to buy you dinner.

“What that explains is that I’m more comfortable in my imagination than I am in actual human discovery. The best days of my life are when I’ve dreamed about a sexual encounter with someone I’ve already been with.” Don’t you have to have them to dream about them later? Unless you’re outsourcing that.

“I’m not trying to upset anybody, sir. With all due respect to you and your staff, I’m just not supposed to be here. It’s quite difficult for me to sit in class, because I’m supposed to be a guitar player, sir.” If you hadn’t made it, you’d be working at McDonald’s and this excuse would totally fall flat. It’s part luck, you have to admit.

When she heard Battle Studies she just wanted to be able to say “I want to know that you hold me correctly in your heart.” I think this is what we all want.

Honestly, I really think you need a hug.

“I’ll always be sorry that it didn’t last. In some ways I wish I could be with her. But I can’t change the fact that I need to be 32.” Never mind. What does 32 mean? What does getting on a plane and being like a ninja mean? Are you talking about terrorism?

“Because I want to show her I’m not like every other guy.” So making breakfast and THEN kicking her out really makes you different? It’s still psychological.

“In 2010 my goal is to get more mentions in Us Weekly than ever.” After reading that entire interview, I’m pretty sure that’s NOT your goal.

John, I understand that you think you’re different. We’re all special snowflakes. But men and women aren’t that different, and you’re not that different from most of the guys I know. Maybe just more open with your weirdness.

You’re making me really glad I have the boyfriend I do.

No actual work today, so far.  Wondering why I’m in the office today.  Maybe I’ll head home and go to the library.

Also, can we talk about how awesome coffee is?  Why has no one ever explained it properly before?  “It stunts your growth.”  I’m already short.  (Plus I’d like to see the basis for this—I bet someone just made it up because they didn’t want to share with their kid in the 1920s when supplies were short.)  “It gives you heart palpitations.”  Not anymore!  “It’s a laxative.”  How is that a bad thing?  “It curbs your appetite.”  Awesome, I hate breakfast anyway!

I had more to say, but I had to do this thing called work.  GA-ROSS.

That’s not to say I am not also working.  I have the unique capability of being able to focus on e-mails and other work-related material with background noise that I’m actually interested in.  It helps if I’ve seen it before, of course.

I, uh…better get back to work…

Either way, I’m more awake now.  I don’t have much work to do, which is sort of a problem, because I am billing time to this government contract, but I’m on Twitter, OkCupid, blogging, etc.  People keep saying once I get into it, I’ll have so much work I won’t know what to do with myself.  I’m hoping that time starts soon.

This dressing up for work thing is getting old fast.  Tucking in shirts?  I have to do that now, as much as I’m opposed to it.  It’s so constricting!  Plus if I tuck my shirt in too much, it gets pulled out if I sit down, and then it’s all billowy, so I have to be careful about how dramatically I sit/hunch, unless I want to look like I have more rolls of fat than actually exist.

Let me tell you, being in a corporate environment is difficult.  You’re not supposed to talk about things like Britney Spears and whether or not she’ll make a comeback because a partner could overhear you and think you’re talking about someone at the company.  (This is a true-to-life example from orientation.)  Not like I give a crap about Britney (at least anymore), but the idea that it’s all CONTRACTS, ACQUISITIONS, PERFORMANCE ASSESSMENTS, etc is bizarre.  I get that it’s work, but if a partner is that insecure that they’re being talked about, maybe they should see a therapist.  We have great health insurance!

I’m listening to the Passion Pit station on Pandora, and it’s making me feel great.  It’s already about 11, and I get to leave at 4:30 today because I got in at 8:30.  Actually, I get to leave at 4:24 because I got in at 8:24.  Only 5 1/2 hours, if I’m being generous!

Sigh.

Oh, I just joined kickball.  Did I mention that last entry?  I am just looking forward to making friends, though they will never replace how awesome my Boston friends are.

My job.

Okay, I don’t hate it.  My mom always says that I should never hate anything, but I can dislike it.  So I dislike work.

I’m sure it’s interesting stuff, but I am so confused.  I’m never sure where I’m supposed to sit, whether I’m on client site or in my main office (I don’t get a desk or an office, much less a designated chair).  I do love the coffee machines–it’s one of those single-dispense deals.  I can get all kinds of coffee, tea, even hot chocolate.

I got assigned all this work, but I have no idea what it means in the context of the project I’m working on.  No one here seems to have time to explain it, and I feel silly for asking.  Plus, I’m working in civil health, which I sort of hate.  I mean dislike.

A lot of people here are young–in their 20s.  And hypothetically, I could become friends with these people and go to happy hours.  But none of us are ever in the same office, and they don’t seem like my kind of people.  Plus, they all live in Northern Virginia.  Don’t get me started about NoVa.  Let me just say that you can carry a gun in Virginia.  Nuff said.

I miss the creative type of office.  Where things are explained in English, not in acronyms.  Honestly, it seems like a lot of what goes on here is little tasks that lead up to an approval so that some kind of substantial task can be done.  But is anything we’re doing actually useful?  If I can’t explain my job to someone and have it be interesting/comprehensible to me or the other person, I don’t want to do it.

Does this make me snobby?  Maybe I’m too idealistic.  Maybe I’m asking too much.  But look at all these people working at financial firms!  And my company has 22,000 people and growing.  Clearly there are enough people to do these kinds of jobs.  I just know that a year from now, after I’ve paid my dues (and probably invested in more suits than I’ll ever need again), I’m definitely going to consider a move back to editorial of some sort.  Or something having to do with food, or music, or culture of some sort.  I just wish they paid more.

SOLUTION: marry rich.

I’m billing this blog entry to the client.  Also, the fabric of my new suit is pilling.  I guess that’s what happens when you buy it from a Banana Republic outlet.

I know I need to do the right thing, but how do I know this is right?  It is right, but it’s not going to feel good at all, for anyone involved.  I wish I could fast forward and not have to experience the pain that I feel and that I’m going to inflict.  It’s unfair.  But it’s the right thing in the end.

I need help.  I need support.  I need to get away from social networking for a while so I don’t know what happens after.  I know I’m going to cry a lot, and that’s fine with me.  I just don’t want to put someone else in that situation, especially when they’re not expecting it.

This is probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do.

I bought an A/C unit for my room yesterday.  I was doing my laundry next to Star Market and it was just so unbearably hot.  And the idea of going back to my apartment where it was equally hot if not stuffier was just not a possibility.  Got it for under $100 at Star and installed it myself.  Now it is like fall in my room, and I get to use the covers at night.

I always feel like cooking in the morning, when I get to work.  I wouldn’t mind spending some time on a recipe (in the A/C, of course) and having it for later.  I’ve just lost my patience for it when I get home from work.  Plus, it’s deathly hot in the kitchen these days.  Boiling pierogies is hard enough.

Can’t wait for fall–better weather, apples, jackets, crispness.  I won’t really miss the beach.

Anyway, I’m going to continue experimenting with styles of posts (and also frequency, obv) to see what fits.

DVDs I’ve watched lately that I’d probably watch again: season 1 of Californication (instant play on Netflix, yessss), The Reader, Revolutionary Road, Religulous, Milk, Friends with Money, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, American Teen (from a while ago, but still good).

DVDs I wouldn’t bother with: Twilight, Rachel Getting Married (Anne Hathaway is just AWKWARD in this role), Ricky Gervais: Out of England (disappointing), Tropic Thunder, P.S. I Love You.

I’m on the fence about John Adams, at least disc 1.  I’m learning a lot about the founding of our nation, but part 1 was a snoozer and a little overdramatic (not like the founding of America wasn’t dramatic, but still).  Laura Linney is excellent, Paul Giamatti is a very unattractive man.  I’m sorry.  I can’t get past his face and weird neck.

Also, I totally hate that I chose the name “tinyfridge,” cause I feel like it pigeonholes (one word?) me into writing about food-related things.  Well, no more!  I will write about other things, too!

Forrest came home with me and to the wedding, and it was great to have him as company.  I don’t really know how to socialize as an adult at formal functions, but he is always helpful (i.e. walk, don’t run to the bar).  And he’s a fun dancer, better than he thinks.  Though he did break out the Elaine on Seinfeld dance numerous times.  The food was pretty good, the music sort of cheesy but mostly danceable, and the drinks watered down (but this was a good idea, at least for me).  It was nice to see that Colleen’s personality hasn’t been lost, even though she’s changed a lot in other ways.  And she looked beautiful, too, classy and happy.

My parents and Forrest and I went out on the sailboat yesterday, before our flight back to Boston.  Forrest had never been sailing despite growing up by the water, but he was a natural sailor. Great to relax in open water and get some sun, without having to be in the city.

I got a Big Mac at the airport–those commercials, where they rap about the double patty special sauce sesame seed bun, just got me (I feel so American!).  I felt really guilty about it and even sheepishly whispered my order to the cashier.  When we were sitting at the gate and eating it, I dropped it on the floor a few bites in.  Probably better, anyway.  But it was pretty darn good while it lasted.

Back at work again today, with TONS to do–so many e-mails to answer, equipment to check on, and surveys to send out.  I saw Katie on the way to work this morning, which helped the day start out better.  And iced coffee.  That, too.