do the right thing

I have to do something I don’t want to do.  I have the choice not to do it, but I know it needs to be done.  The problem is, I don’t know HOW to do it without breaking someone’s heart.  I’ve never had that power before.  I don’t like it at all.  AT.  ALL.

I know I need to do the right thing, but how do I know this is right?  It is right, but it’s not going to feel good at all, for anyone involved.  I wish I could fast forward and not have to experience the pain that I feel and that I’m going to inflict.  It’s unfair.  But it’s the right thing in the end.

I need help.  I need support.  I need to get away from social networking for a while so I don’t know what happens after.  I know I’m going to cry a lot, and that’s fine with me.  I just don’t want to put someone else in that situation, especially when they’re not expecting it.

This is probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do.

Where I’ve been

Busy.  My mom was in town for a week helping me pack up boxes to move (again).  And doing other things that I can’t remember, but probably stuff like eating out, getting reacquainted with Twitter, and working.

I bought an A/C unit for my room yesterday.  I was doing my laundry next to Star Market and it was just so unbearably hot.  And the idea of going back to my apartment where it was equally hot if not stuffier was just not a possibility.  Got it for under $100 at Star and installed it myself.  Now it is like fall in my room, and I get to use the covers at night.

I always feel like cooking in the morning, when I get to work.  I wouldn’t mind spending some time on a recipe (in the A/C, of course) and having it for later.  I’ve just lost my patience for it when I get home from work.  Plus, it’s deathly hot in the kitchen these days.  Boiling pierogies is hard enough.

Can’t wait for fall–better weather, apples, jackets, crispness.  I won’t really miss the beach.

An empty stomach

I don’t know what I was thinking, starting yet another blog (or getting coffee this morning–not a happy stomach, esp since I haven’t eaten anything).  Like this time it’d be different.  I feel like someone who’s dating yet another “commitment-phobe,” thinking this one could change.  (I am not dating a commitment-phobe, but a terrific guy.)  Not that they don’t–it’s just that most are “the rule” (watch “He’s Just Not That Into You”).

Anyway, I’m going to continue experimenting with styles of posts (and also frequency, obv) to see what fits.

DVDs I’ve watched lately that I’d probably watch again: season 1 of Californication (instant play on Netflix, yessss), The Reader, Revolutionary Road, Religulous, Milk, Friends with Money, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, American Teen (from a while ago, but still good).

DVDs I wouldn’t bother with: Twilight, Rachel Getting Married (Anne Hathaway is just AWKWARD in this role), Ricky Gervais: Out of England (disappointing), Tropic Thunder, P.S. I Love You.

I’m on the fence about John Adams, at least disc 1.  I’m learning a lot about the founding of our nation, but part 1 was a snoozer and a little overdramatic (not like the founding of America wasn’t dramatic, but still).  Laura Linney is excellent, Paul Giamatti is a very unattractive man.  I’m sorry.  I can’t get past his face and weird neck.

Also, I totally hate that I chose the name “tinyfridge,” cause I feel like it pigeonholes (one word?) me into writing about food-related things.  Well, no more!  I will write about other things, too!

Wedding Weekend

It was my first “wedding weekend.”  Oh no, not MY wedding (thank goodness), but the wedding of a girl I grew up with.  We used to make brownies together and create liquid concoctions in Mason jars with ingredients we found around the house, and her mom taught me how to swim.  She was always someone I could talk to and feel comfortable around.  It’s strange to think that she’s married now, with a different last name (and religious and political views to go along with it).  She’s a military wife now, a Catholic (it was just a LOT of Jesus at the ceremony, but hey, if that’s your thing, then cool), and a conservative.  Well, I like her anyway, and her husband (!) too.

Forrest came home with me and to the wedding, and it was great to have him as company.  I don’t really know how to socialize as an adult at formal functions, but he is always helpful (i.e. walk, don’t run to the bar).  And he’s a fun dancer, better than he thinks.  Though he did break out the Elaine on Seinfeld dance numerous times.  The food was pretty good, the music sort of cheesy but mostly danceable, and the drinks watered down (but this was a good idea, at least for me).  It was nice to see that Colleen’s personality hasn’t been lost, even though she’s changed a lot in other ways.  And she looked beautiful, too, classy and happy.

My parents and Forrest and I went out on the sailboat yesterday, before our flight back to Boston.  Forrest had never been sailing despite growing up by the water, but he was a natural sailor. Great to relax in open water and get some sun, without having to be in the city.

I got a Big Mac at the airport–those commercials, where they rap about the double patty special sauce sesame seed bun, just got me (I feel so American!).  I felt really guilty about it and even sheepishly whispered my order to the cashier.  When we were sitting at the gate and eating it, I dropped it on the floor a few bites in.  Probably better, anyway.  But it was pretty darn good while it lasted.

Back at work again today, with TONS to do–so many e-mails to answer, equipment to check on, and surveys to send out.  I saw Katie on the way to work this morning, which helped the day start out better.  And iced coffee.  That, too.

I started writing again today, took about half an hour to write a short piece in the third person about the differences between Forrest and I (shown, not told, thankyouverymuch).  While I was writing it, I had this great sense of calm and clarity.  But after I read it, I just got depressed.  Is this really the way I feel about our relationship?
But more importantly, who do I think I am, saying, “I started writing again”?  In my mind, the gap between the time when I wrote fiction pretty often and the time when I gave up on it because I went to writing camp and discovered most people were halfway done with their first novels is quite small.  It’s like, maybe I’d just stopped writing a couple of months ago, maybe even a year ago.  But in reality, it’s been enough years that I have to stop and count on my fingers to figure out how long it’s been.  Since late high school.  When I found out that what I thought was talent was really just not sucking at it and parental encouragement (they think you’re good at everything), I said I gave up on it.  I didn’t have the “drive,” as I put it, to become a serious writer.  Honestly, it became a chore, and sometimes my writing was really shitty, especially when I tried hard for an assignment at camp or in my creative writing class in school.  I thought I was all deep and tortured and talented, but I’m just a middle class white girl from the suburbs of DC.
Being from the rich white suburbs of DC is even worse than the rich white suburbs of other American cities, like Boston or Detroit or something.  DC isn’t really badass, except maybe in Southeast.  The rest of it is pretty tame—government workers, non-profit employees, diplomats, and the like—people in suits.  At least Boston has been around a long time, and the North and South Shore have their own identities.  People live there and have for a while.  The houses were built before 1970.
Without DC, the suburbs wouldn’t exist.  They keep getting bigger, the boonies becoming planned communities with huge houses and one tree.  It’s pretty weak.  Not much personality, though for some reason, kids who grew up in the area seem to have a lot of hometown pride, giving their towns ghetto nicknames (the ROC for Rockville, for instance).
Okay, though, back to this writing thing.  I like it sometimes, but I never get very far.  It’s a short scene that doesn’t fit anywhere else.
My therapist has been suggesting I start writing down my thoughts.  When I’m there, I’m sharp, witty, sarcastic, clear-headed, and say things that make sense and have substance.  Where is the rest of this in my real life?  And who the hell cares what idiotic thoughts I have in my head?  Maybe I communicated the wrong thoughts before, the boring ones.  Like, oh, work sucks, but I’m lucky to have a job, dealing with money problems, etc.  The things everyone goes through and everyone talks about.  I hope there’s more up there.

the haps

First, a shoutout to J, who may be the only person reading this.  Hello!

Okay, my life has gotten really busy these past couple of weeks.  Here is what I have been doing:

1) Taking a calligraphy class through the Cambridge Center for Adult Education.

2) I joined 867 Studios in Back Bay to take classes like Punk Rock Yoga (not so punk rock, as it turns out).  Still good to get exercise.

3) Generally hanging out with friends (Megan, Katie, Amber & Kev, Srijata when she was in town, and of course Forrest)

I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but really, I’m not home as much as I used to be anymore.  I think it’s just that my schedule changes every week, depending on when I go to a class or see friends, and sometimes it makes my head spin a little.  I like being busy, but I also like having a plan.

- – - – -

Things I need more of in my weeks::

• Forrest.  His flying schedule and my ever-changing one just don’t match up as often as I’d like.
• Time/energy to cook.  One night, I made risotto just because I missed making something that involves more effort than boiling water and dumping sauce on top of pasta.
• Hugs.  Really, what’s better and more genuine?
• Baking.  My stand mixer hasn’t gotten much use.
• Down time.
• Hours in the day.
• Sleep.
• Books to read.
• Vacation.

!

F just got a call from Cape Air letting him know he’ll start training for his First Officer/Captain position next month!

He didn’t seem as excited as he had been about it–they told him a couple of months ago that they wanted to hire him, but then they postponed training classes because of the economy.  This is what he wants, but he’s worried about getting laid off after he starts.

Won’t know for a bit if he has to move to the Cape.  They told him they’d train him for the Captain position, and he could fly mail a couple of times a week, meaning he wouldn’t get placed in the Caribbean (they have flights there, too), so that’s good.  But if he has to move–I don’t know what will happen.  One day at a time, right?

Valentine’s Day plans

I know it’s a commercial holiday, it’s all about marketing and making money, but I’ve never had anyone to celebrate it with until this year.  I was thinking that maybe F and I would go out of town for a night and stay at an inn, but it’s on the expensive side and it’s not really our style.

Instead, I made reservations at Cafe Fleuri’s Chocolate Bar for Saturday “lunch.”  Supposedly, 125 chocolate desserts/dishes for $38, all you can eat, from 11-3.  F is the biggest chocolate fan, so I thought this would be something different, but also delicious.  Hopefully I’ll remember to take some pictures!

What are your Valentine’s plans, if any?

Sitting in coffee

Currently, I’m sitting in my chair at work, waiting for my butt to dry.  I must have sat on some coffee on my seat on the T this morning.  It was so crowded that I was just happy to have a seat and didn’t even notice.  I’d Tide Pen it (magical device), but that would just make my jeans look wet.  Now my jeans smell like what is probably Dunkin Donuts coffee, and I’ve been walking around with my back to the wall as often as possible.  Ick.

In other news, glad nothing bad happened at the inauguration, except Teddy K. having the seizure.  Poor guy probably just wants a break.

Considering this program at BU.  It’s intensive, and only a few weeks.  Jacques Pepin is one of the teachers, and how cute is he?  Also, this program combines things I love: food, reading, and writing.

This is my second week of menu planning, and it’s gone a little off-course.  I bought chicken breasts at the store the other day, but they forgot to put them in my bags.  I was too tired to go back, and still haven’t done so.  Chicken with Poblano Cream Sauce was out.

Made manicotti again last night from the Cook’s Illustrated recipe, at F’s request.  It’s so good, yet so simple.  The night before, I made French Lentil Soup with Tarragon and Thyme.  Vegan-friendly (M can eat it), and actually pretty good.  Would definitely taste better with chicken stock, though.

One of the Cook’s Country test cooks, Maria, is making Chicken Soft Tacos for a future issue.  We talked about it at the edit meeting this morning, including her recipe, which she printed out.  A couple of weeks ago, I tried one of these, and they are the best.  So simple, not too many ingredients, but like, the best taco I’ve ever had (sorry Taco Bell).  So that’ll be on the menu maybe tonight or tomorrow.

Also, J is back, and the house is full again.  Strange!

Eating

Part of my job, technically, is eating.

Though I mostly do surveys and respond to e-mails, I’m also supposed to taste recipes in development along with the rest of the editorial staff.

I just had duck confit, chiffon cake, yellow cake, and carrot cake.  So much for any semblance of eating healthier…

So good, though.